Your Money or Your Life------Robbery Notes

There are more where this came from.

They reminds me of a story from my sophomore year roommate. Her family owned a couple of McDonalds in tough neighborhoods of Detroit where the crime rate was pretty bad. One robber was not counting on the toughness of the staff who worked there. The robber waited in line, but when he was up to the counter, he pulled out a gun and demanded that the cashier give him all the money. Rather than cowering, the cashier leaned forward over the register, and said slowly,"I can't open the register unless I ring up an order!"

The robber was surprised by this deviation from his expected script, so he paused for several stunned moments. "....Uh.....uh.......OK, I'll have a cheeseburger!"

"Would you like something to go with that? Fries or a beverage?"

Another pause. "No"

"OK sir, that will be $1.35."

The man started to reach for his wallet before he caught himself, whereupon he waved his gun about menacingly, and demanded that she make with the cash.

I'd like to report that he was caught, but he got away, at least that time. I expect he was caught during a similar robbery later. These small time crooks always keep at it until they are caught....

Yay, We're......... Above The Median!!!

A friend of mine had this posted on Facebook, so I put it here for more people to enjoy. So enjoy it already.

If You Ever Wanted To Laugh At Spiders !

This faux documentary is for you! Enjoy.









Humor aside, for anyone who is interested, this video has some information backwards. LSD (and peyote) both seem to lead spiders to produce unusually flawless webs.







Surprisingly, caffeine incapacitates them completely------they just make jagged, random stands. I read about this years ago in a book from the Time-Life Science series. I no longer have the book, but I found these images online.

A Very Early Valentine's Day Treat

I saw this image and simply could not wait!

Just too funny! How many of you will be able to wait till February to spring this on friends?

Fight the Scourge of Socialism

For too long, a highly trained and organized group of Americans, armed with axes and powerful hoses, has been imposing socialist firefighting upon our citizenry!

"......fire departments across the United States have been SOCIALIST organizations, resulting in TAXES on the American people.

FACT: Most Americans never use the socialized services of the fire department. The Obama administration has been very clear about keeping the status quo when it comes to taxpayer-funded fire departments.

It is time to open the fire department up to private industry. We have the best fire departments in the world in the US, but that doesn't mean that anyone (even non-US citizens) should be able to dial up and have fires put out, etc. There are private companies (Halliburtion, Etc.) who could step in tomorrow and take over every fire department in America and charge the consumer directly.

This is AMERICA. NO FREE FIRE SAFETY."

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in asbestos and carrying a fire hose."

Join us in fighting the stranglehold that this socialist organization has on firefighting in our society. Let's let the free market work.

Found Poetry?

I posted this image a little while back, and asked readers to figure out what the biggest joke was. The trick was to look for what wasn't there as opposed to what was jokingly described. Lots of people didn't seem to notice that Africa, a whole continent, is missing.

A few days later, I came across a piece of "found poetry", entitled The Relevance Of Africa. Found poetry is just what it sounds like, a bit of language, or a part of a speech that someone with a poetic soul recognizes as having vision, power, or in some cases, "fruitful ambiguity". John Lundberg presents us with the startling finds of Julian Gough and Hart Seely.

Julian Gough of the UK's Prospect Magazine opined facetiously this past December that "Palin is a poet, and a fine one at that. What the philistine media take for incoherence is, in fact, the fruitful ambiguity of verse." His example of this "fruitful ambiguity" is a found poem he termed "The Relevance of Africa:"

The Relevance of Africa

And the relevance to me
With that issue,
As we spoke
About Africa and some
Of the countries
There that were
Kind of the people succumbing
To the dictators
And the corruption
Of some collapsed governments
On the
Continent,
The relevance
Was Alaska's.

Whether you consider Palin a poet laureate, or the consummate anti-poet, you must admit she pretty much captured the essence of unthinking American self-centeredness in her comments.

Why I Have Stayed Out Of Local Politics

Sadly, the level of public commentary and discourse on the local level seems to be about like this, at least where I live. Does anyone have any idea at all what she is getting at?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Priceless

I happened upon a site with some cartoons about evolution, and I just had to share this image.

Don't Get Me This For My Birthday!

Barbara W. certainly got an unusual gift: a portrait of herself made from fruit and other produce!
(I included the second shot because it shows off the little pooch she is holding better. After all that work, they should have taken a better picture!)
I suppose who ever gave her this should get some bonus points for thinking outside the bun, but are they out of their frickin' gourd?
I suppose that produce portraits have a long tradition, but this one seems to draw at least as much from De Kooning's portraits of women for inspiration. See for yourself.
(I mean, jicama boobs?------really!)











I'm just too easy gift-wise; take me out to dinner, or buy me a hat. In a pinch jewelry will do!








(These two portraits are by Arcimboldo who traveled around Europe painting during the late 1500's.)

Map Skills Headed South-----Which Way Is That?

In spite of the tremendous combined weight of old issues of National Geographic magazines in basements across our country, it turns out Americans are pretty bad at geography, and show a surprising lack of basic familiarity with maps. We seem to know way less even than the above map indicates.
American Map Skills - Australia is Iran?

I seem to remember that in the early 1980's, the University of Michigan dismantled its geography department. So maybe that academic trend contributed towards the problem. The following young lady has a different theory.


By the way, did you notice the most pointed joke in the first map? I'll give you a hint. It's not any of the written labels.

Happy Weekend All You City Slickers!

'Nuff said.

Sarah Palin Not The Most Delusional Woman In America

She's got some real competition at any rate.
Check out a few of the entries at a Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest in Cincinnati.


















(Do take into account that these pics were published in Pravda, the fine newsgathering institution that brought us this headline:

Russian fishermen catch squeaking alien and eat it

The last gasp of the Republican party

Everyone now, point and laugh. Not because it's a conservative rap--which theoretically could work, I think--but because it is so amazingly lame. Ha ha. /nelson.



My favorite line? "Jesus made me conservative and told me to waterboard." Good t-shirt. Plus, "Three things taught me conservative love: Jesus, Ronald Reagan, plus Atlas Shrugged." Oooh, aren't the Randians cuuute?



Here's the real thing: "La Rage," by the French kick-ass rapper Keny Arkana. I know, I know, they can't sing rock and roll, but oh, say can they rap.

The Best Joke Ever

According to a study done at The Ohio State University, conservatives by and large don't seem to understand that Colbert is making fun of conservatives!

Using data from an experiment (N = 332), we found that individual-level political ideology significantly predicted perceptions of Colbert's political ideology. Additionally, there was no significant difference between the groups in thinking Colbert was funny, but conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said while liberals were more likely to report that Colbert used satire and was not serious when offering political statements. Conservatism also significantly predicted perceptions that Colbert disliked liberalism.

Just too funny! I wonder what they make of this!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
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colbertnation.com
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Spring Fashion Update

Even a super expensive handbag cannot save this look! YIKES! Her face makes clear how painful her shoes are. She's not the only one hurting------MY EYES, MY EYES!

(This picture was in the Dailymail.co.uk, but I can't track down the URL. The woman is the mother of a British football star who has launched his own fashion line------she is wearing a shirt from his line! What advertising! It reminds me somehow of a funny comment about ads that I read recently. "With a name like Smuckers, it's got to smuck.")

Just In Time For The Weekend!

Mostly it's just goofy, but there is some fun dancing in the second half. It also shows some dancing from a perspective I have never before seen------from beneath the floor! Apparently they used a transparent floor.

I Think I'm In Love!

And not with the bald idiot.

Stewart does an absolutely bloodthirsty evisceration of this buffoon after a week of built up anticipation. (Notice how much Kramer's voice gets higher and tenser as he sees his career going down the toilet just like Tucker Someone-or-Other's {John Stewart did him in too, a long time ago.}. Hee hee!)

We are going to need a word to describe Kramer's abject devastation-----like "Borked" (for what happened to Bork). Too bad his name is too common.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Pt. 2

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Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

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For people who want more, you're in luck. But there's even more, the beginning of the kerfuffle from earlier in the week. Boy, this really is right up my alley!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Everything I hated about being a teenager

in one simple website! So useful! And who thought so little would have changed after all these years. You just have to click. After taking a deeeeeep breath.

I especially appreciate the scarf-tying examples.

I'm practicing that sultry look. I assume if I master it I can walk freely around town at any time of day or night (picture the poor robber--"Aaaahhh!!!! Run for your life!!!! Did you see that hair?, and why is she strangling herself with some innocent piece of cloth?" This is the point where they fall over laughing.) Of course, we have a higher class of criminal here in Portland.

I'm now wondering if I actually saw this creation walking around downtown Salt Lake and took her for someone in Relief Society drag. Please forgive me, all you unfairly impugned drag queens.